Broken Hearts, Betrayed Friendships & Beyonce Lyrics

"Middle fingers up, put them hands high

wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye" 

It's so interesting when people hurt us, we have this urge to be spiteful and hurt them back. There's something deeply satisfying in wanting to get back at those who wronged us. I caught myself the other day with a strong urge to do something petty. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I acted on those feelings. I made an Instagram post with some sassy Beyonce lyrics. ( Her song Sorry has been giving me life) After speaking with a close friend who helped me check myself. I deleted the post. The fuel for the petty post was a recent breakup. I can feel some of you reaching for your pitch forks and wanting to rally up. It's super unnecessary, I promise. At this moment I can step back and say: I'm doing okay.

My beautiful, wise friend helped me realize that those feelings of anger and spitefulness were all a defense mechanism. It's so true, we're comfortable with the anger and spite but are afraid to allow ourselves to accept the sadness and sorrow. We're afraid to admit to feeling sad. We also get lost in owning our feelings. Your feelings are valid. All of them. Positive or negative they're genuine, you're allowed to embrace your feelings.

I think friendship breakups are just as or even sometimes more devastating and intimately worse Than breakups with a romantic partner.  I think it's because when friendships break off there's no courtesy of an actual break up. We don't sit each other down and say: "Hey, it's not you, it's me"  Or "I just don't see us working out"  They just tell you that they're busy until you stop asking to hang out which causes you drift apart. Then one day you realize that you aren't friends with them anymore. They aren't obligated to give you an explanation , which in the end doesn't offer closure.  Sometimes that hurts even more.

Losing people who you're close with is always going to be difficult. It's easy to feel like you've lost a part of yourself with that former relationship. I try to remind myself that this is an opportunity to learn something. I try to look for clarity in what I value most in friendships and romantic relationships.

"Nine times out of ten, I'm in my feelings 

But ten times out of nine, I'm only human"

Lifestyle | My body, My Confidence.

My journey of self-acceptance has been an extremely long yet bountiful experience, filled with many ups and downs. For the majority of my life, I hated my body. I remember in kindergarten a fellow student who consistently made fun of my weight. The Principal's solution was to tell all my little friends to literally form a circle around, while holding each other's hands.... and little Maddie was dead center. I can laugh about it now, but in the moment, it was overwhelming and embarrassing.  In my pre-teen years, I spent countless moments "sucking in" my little belly whenever I passed by my older brother's cute friends, afraid they'd notice my pudgy body. Ridiculous, I know! Fast forward to high school, where playground bullying advanced to straight up torture. I got bigger and the harassment did too. Around when I was seventeen I discovered Tumblr, and the awesome body positive movement. It was an incredible eye opening experience. I saw people with my body shape wearing cute clothes and living happy lives. Did I mention how extraordinary it was?! I quickly evolved into a very loud mouth, outspoken nineteen-year-old who told the dudes who street harassed me to eff off. 

         Two years ago I was faced with some challenges which caused my confidence to decline. I had a few distinct events which fucked me up for a while. In the summer, I had an experience where I had french fries thrown at me from a moving vehicle whilst they yelled out  “have some fries u fat fuck!!” My friends were more shocked and angry than I was. I ended up making a Facebook status taking the piss out of the whole ordeal. I brushed off that event and moved on with my life. Later that same summer I went on a date with a guy who was straight up, a garbage chubby chaser. He ended up sexually assaulting me on our date and calling me crude names that were geared around my weight.  This was a massive trigger to me, and it left me feeling that I deserved these awful, dehumanizing experiences. It took me a long time to re-teach myself self-acceptance

This morning I woke up at 5:40 am, For no serious reason. I watched the sunrise from my bathroom. I forgot how beautiful and peaceful the world is at the crack of dawn. In my bathroom, the small window is parallel to my almost full body mirror. I started to reflect on my journey of self-acceptance. I was taken back by the parts I used to be super insecure about. My breasts, my back, my belly, my double chin (just to name a few.) Now when I see them I'm not filled with thoughts wishing to change them. I don't divide my body into the parts anymore. The parts I found acceptable, and the parts I wish mirrored an "ideal" image that I've made up. I'm at peace with my body, and I see the beauty in all aspects of my body.

 It took a really long time to get to this point. Of course, I still have my " off days." But I try to remind myself to choose love and acceptance. People often compliment me on how confident I am. It always takes me back, I'm humbled to receive such a fantastic compliment but sometimes how people word it makes it seem that confidence is this rare object that only I have. I know this isn't their intention, but when they put it on a pedicle that's unreachable to them and it makes me sad! I tell them "If I can do it, you can!" Self-acceptance is a journey that ANYONE can go on. I ask you this question that my friends and I often ask each other: What's one thing you love about your physical appearance and what's one thing you love about your personality? 

Beauty | (Smokey) Spring Look!

Let's talk about mental health.

Today is the annual Bell Let's Talk day. This is a campaign created to end the stigma surrounding mental health issues across Canada.  I've been inspired by the prime minister, Justin Trudeau speaking about his personal experiences surrounding mental health. Hearing the Prime Minister talk about his own experiences, inspired me to write about mine!  The interview started off with the question asking how we can create a conversation about mental health to young kids. Justin Trudeau talked about the importance of eliminating the barrier between mental and physical health. As the conversation started to gained momentum, I found myself getting really emotional( I found myself choking back tears ) I was so happy to see such a positive discussion being created on such a highly public platform. 

I spent a huge portion of my life avoiding talking about anything to do with mental health. It wasn't until I was eighteen and approached my family doctor, and said: "I'm okay with dying." That conversation led me to be referred to a therapist, Which led to my diagnosis of depression and anxiety. It was nice to finally put a name to these strangers that have been present in my life ever since I was a child. My doctor wanted to medicate me with pills I couldn't pronounce, but my therapist wanted to see how individual sessions with her would turn out. I didn't care, I just didn't want to feel this deal with these problems anymore.

What I learned that year  through my own struggles and journey, is that I cannot get rid of my mental illnesses. I needed to accept the fact that they are a part of me, and make me who I am. Accepting my depression and anxiety was extremely difficult to do. At first I was in a state of constant questioning. "why did I have to have this instead of being normal". Turns out, this state of "normal" that we all strive for is just an illusion. What's normal for a spider is chaos for a fly.

I've dedicated the past four years of my life to accepting my mental illnesses and my past. I learned they are all are key factors that have shaped me into the person I am today. Although it's been truly difficult at times, I am grateful for my struggles. They have given me the strength and the knowledge to move forward with my life. I hope one day I can make a possible career working with others in need and help them, as this is my passion. Until then , I will express my support for this and other issues through blog posts . I hope they bring a smile to your face! :)
   

Lifestyle | Reflections!

One of the most important things I've learned this year is: Mental health comes first. I unfortunately learned that the hard way. I've struggled with putting my mental health first for years. I was pretty good at it until, I got triggered by something in my past. I was faced with two options, I could continue to keep repressing and ignoring. Or I could find ways to cope and move forward with my life. One was easy, and I found comfort in. It was all I knew how to do. The other one was a way more difficult, uncomfortable. I realized I didn't want to keep living in the comfort of my past. That's way too boring anyways! I chose to step outside my norm and comfort. I embarked on one of the most challenging journeys of my life thus far. I'm extremely proud of myself for doing so. It's been very empowering.

With validating all aspects of myself, I started to really realize what kind of people I need in my life. That came with recognizing and removing toxic relationships. It's lot easier said than done, believe me! But it was so worth it. I can say with confidence that the people I have in my life at this moment are truly the greatest. They are there for me when I need them. They constantly inspire me and motivate me to be the best version of myself. We've created some beautiful, unforgettable memories!

My main goal for the new year is to push myself more to step outside my comfort zone. I have this fear of failing and it's been preventing me from doing things, like going back to school and getting my place. I have to keep reminding myself that, if my plans don't work out exactly how I want them to, it's perfectly okay.  We sometimes have to mess up to prosper. It's not always seeking the result that's the most fulfilling, it's the journey that we took to get there.

Just a friendly reminder that 2016 is your year! You got this! I hope this year is everything you need and hope it to be!

Beauty | ❄ NYE❄Makeup!

Lifestyle | Me, & my sexuality!

I thought ‘coming out’ was the expectation to be on the roof top of a semi-high building in a downtown core and shouting, "HEY GUESS WHAT? I’M NOT STRAIGHT!!" Then the surrounding civilians turn their heads up in disapproval and begin to shame you in disgust. Luckily, that did not happen to me! The first time I told someone close to me I wasn't straight, was in a Crabby Joe's on wing night. It was glorious experience, as were our wings!

I was extremely worrisome about the idea of coming out to the people close to me about being pansexual! I knew telling my friends would be a whole lot easier than to tell my selective family members. The first time I told one of my best friends was when we were out for wings; it was very unplanned. We were talking about dating, gender identities and the laws of attraction. I began to realize that my answerers, were probably not in the tune of which a straight person would say. I recall saying, "I think this means I'm not straight!"

After that conversation I indulged in doing some reflecting and researching. I came to the realization about the definitive factors of what my attractions are and aren't! I feel comfortable identifying as pansexual! If you're wondering what pansexuality is Here's a great video and a great article!

I've decided to tell people and create conversations about sexualities, because I used to be so petrified to do so in the past. The mere idea of questioning my sexuality towards people who weren't Cis-dudes, sent me into a wave of shame. We unfortunately live in a society where the large majority of people have this mentality where everyone is straight. Has anyone never bought you a pair of shoes at some point in your life and they were the wrong size? But you continue to wear this pair of shoes as an obligation. Perhaps the person who bought them for you never insisted you to wear them, but there is this expectation for you to? It's uncomfortable and hella awkward. That's what it felt like for me to identify as straight. (Of course shoes and sexualities are not the same)! I stopped identifying as straight when I was roughly 17 to 18-years-old. However, that sense of shame made me fearful of being outed and exposed. So, I was always so over the top and outspoken about my dating experiences with Cis-dudes. Now, I'm in such a happy and comfortable place in my life, where I can freely stand on top of any roof top and shout about being pansexual! But since I'm mildly fearful of heights, creating a public blog post will do just fine