Lifestyle | My body, My Confidence.

My journey of self-acceptance has been an extremely long yet bountiful experience, filled with many ups and downs. For the majority of my life, I hated my body. I remember in kindergarten a fellow student who consistently made fun of my weight. The Principal's solution was to tell all my little friends to literally form a circle around, while holding each other's hands.... and little Maddie was dead center. I can laugh about it now, but in the moment, it was overwhelming and embarrassing.  In my pre-teen years, I spent countless moments "sucking in" my little belly whenever I passed by my older brother's cute friends, afraid they'd notice my pudgy body. Ridiculous, I know! Fast forward to high school, where playground bullying advanced to straight up torture. I got bigger and the harassment did too. Around when I was seventeen I discovered Tumblr, and the awesome body positive movement. It was an incredible eye opening experience. I saw people with my body shape wearing cute clothes and living happy lives. Did I mention how extraordinary it was?! I quickly evolved into a very loud mouth, outspoken nineteen-year-old who told the dudes who street harassed me to eff off. 

         Two years ago I was faced with some challenges which caused my confidence to decline. I had a few distinct events which fucked me up for a while. In the summer, I had an experience where I had french fries thrown at me from a moving vehicle whilst they yelled out  “have some fries u fat fuck!!” My friends were more shocked and angry than I was. I ended up making a Facebook status taking the piss out of the whole ordeal. I brushed off that event and moved on with my life. Later that same summer I went on a date with a guy who was straight up, a garbage chubby chaser. He ended up sexually assaulting me on our date and calling me crude names that were geared around my weight.  This was a massive trigger to me, and it left me feeling that I deserved these awful, dehumanizing experiences. It took me a long time to re-teach myself self-acceptance

This morning I woke up at 5:40 am, For no serious reason. I watched the sunrise from my bathroom. I forgot how beautiful and peaceful the world is at the crack of dawn. In my bathroom, the small window is parallel to my almost full body mirror. I started to reflect on my journey of self-acceptance. I was taken back by the parts I used to be super insecure about. My breasts, my back, my belly, my double chin (just to name a few.) Now when I see them I'm not filled with thoughts wishing to change them. I don't divide my body into the parts anymore. The parts I found acceptable, and the parts I wish mirrored an "ideal" image that I've made up. I'm at peace with my body, and I see the beauty in all aspects of my body.

 It took a really long time to get to this point. Of course, I still have my " off days." But I try to remind myself to choose love and acceptance. People often compliment me on how confident I am. It always takes me back, I'm humbled to receive such a fantastic compliment but sometimes how people word it makes it seem that confidence is this rare object that only I have. I know this isn't their intention, but when they put it on a pedicle that's unreachable to them and it makes me sad! I tell them "If I can do it, you can!" Self-acceptance is a journey that ANYONE can go on. I ask you this question that my friends and I often ask each other: What's one thing you love about your physical appearance and what's one thing you love about your personality?